am I dead yet? ...

Posts from Jan. 1, 2018 to the present. Plus important announcements. (ICD warning sounds)

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ROBO Pop
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am I dead yet? ...

Post by ROBO Pop » May 30th, 2019, 2:38 pm

Seems to be a theme here, but since I've never been dead, how would I know for sure...

I've been procrastinating starting this missive waiting for a sign, a message guiding me on whether to start this. Well believe or not this morning I got a clear message from on high, yep the city installed a new sign on the street out front, and you ain't gonna believe this ...it's a STOP sign. lmao4dx But you all know I rarely do as told.

So where to start. Guess I'll just type and see where it leads.

My Cardiologist feels I'm on borrowed time, and frankly many of the signs we see indicate things are moving at the speed of life and for once the experts may be right. I think last night convinced me he's right, don't loan my kids any money.

We were quietly watching another mediocre movie when a strong sense of foreboding came over me. Suddenly I became extremely nauseous and short of breath. My heart started it's erratic tricks, racing, stopping, fluttering and basically doing flips. I felt like I was in the desert during the heat of the day, then the heart felt like it had taken a huge gulp of life then as fast shuddered and stopped only to repeat.

I'm so used to my heart acting up that I don't panic when stuff happens but still this bout caught me off guard. At first I thought oh crap this is it and while the movie we were watching was garbage, I would spend eternity wondering if Jack Ryan would win the day.

I began to feel panic arise but then had to remind myself that we knew my time was winding down and just relax and enjoy the ride.

Once I calmed myself, I realized it was likely a heart attack, as if I needed another to add to my vast resume. Eventually I took an aspirin and the symptoms subsided within half hour.

So apparently I survived another attempt by the grim reaper and continue to annoy. Still it's so hard waiting, wondering, not knowing. I am so very weary and ready to go. Sucking and gasping because your mind is telling you you are suffocating is a somewhat unpleasant sensation. No matter your belief system when you go through this you begin to understsnd how and why so many chose to end it themselves. Still with my luck I'd screw my suicide up and get arrested for attempted murder only to be incarcerated with someone like Mrag.

Well another day ahead...will this be the one? Time will tell. Film at 10
Broken Heart
Nobody has ever survived life, but I'm trying...
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tip
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by tip » May 30th, 2019, 4:35 pm

Reminds me of the good, the bad and the ugly when Tuco said he could feel the devil biting his ass
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ROBO Pop
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by ROBO Pop » May 30th, 2019, 6:10 pm

The big question - How long do I have to live with dying?
Broken Heart
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InSync
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by InSync » May 30th, 2019, 8:10 pm

The father of a friend died in December. He was nearly 90. He got pneumonia because the muscle that keeps food from going into your lungs when you swallow became weak and was allowing a little of his food to get into his lungs. He was in the hospital getting heavy duty antibiotics that finally cleared up the pneumonia when he had a stroke that left him with his speech affected and some other muscle impairment. When he realized the intent was to send him home with a feeding tube, he stopped treatment, went home and just didn't eat. He died 3 days later.


I've been thinking lately that might be a good plan.
Dilated Cardiomyopathy, LBBB, CHF
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Stella Blue
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by Stella Blue » May 30th, 2019, 10:53 pm

What InSync describes is similar to what my mother did, although it was the other way around in the sense that what she was worried about was being sent to the hospital. Also similar to my grandmother's case - at 86, she called my father one day and said it was time, but before she went she wanted to travel from Florida to California to see my uncle and his family, whom she felt she'd been neglecting. She made the trip and died peacefully in California a few days later. When my mother "decided," it seemed really strange to my brother and me - she was ill but not at all evidently at death's door - but the hospice people said that it's not at all uncommon for people to go in this way once they've decided they've had enough. I guess the point is that, so long as you still have your marbles, you can always feel you have some control. For purely selfish reasons, I hope you'll stick around for a long, long time, Robo, and, for the moment, I hope you can relax and enjoy your family - maybe think about watching better-quality movies - and keep writing. (Mrag's post the other day reminded me of your amazing introductory posts - I recommend them to anyone who hasn't read them.)

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mykidsmom
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by mykidsmom » May 31st, 2019, 8:07 am

ROBO Pop wrote:
May 30th, 2019, 6:10 pm
The big question - How long do I have to live with dying?
youve been living with it since the day you got born buddy......but im curious when an incident happens to you like it did the other night.....how do you react......reason i ask is....ive had a couple of incidents like this....and initially i think....ok curtains......but then settle down...move around to hopefully move the pain in the event its actually wind...and try and concentrate on the shitty movie...ive come to the conclusion you cant stop the inevitable and id actually welcome the opportunity to depart the bus in a cardiac arrest or heart event....so eventually things revert back to normal..or my normal and i go....ok.....panic averted......im getting a couple more hours anyways this side of the grass.....and boy oh boy isnt the grass lovely.....then after its over i wonder, hmmmm...did i just panic..was it as bad as i thought it was......the mind does strange things.

i did last year reach the stage you guys are mentioning.......where you just give up....bob always said..and i always agreed with him.....quality over quantity......and last year.....when i reached the end of the road on quality i thought ok whats the point....i wasnt depressed but rather exhausted fed up and not seeing a point in continuing....and it was in fact for me a glorious decision at the time....and i let my mind just relax and wait for the inevitable ...which as you see didnt happen...the universe had other plans....but i do not want to pass into eternity terrified, in a panic....trying to grab hold of the pillow to hang on....i want it to be peaceful.....

I also want to win the lotto.....
I think.....Therefore I am.!!!!!

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ROBO Pop
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by ROBO Pop » May 31st, 2019, 2:54 pm

Somebody reminded me this morning that my mind is losing a bit of it's brilliance, in fact I'm struggling with a lot of memory issues. Yesterday after fighting to recall a simple word I had to describe what I wanted to say to my wife who thankfully responded "idiot" thereby filling in the blank. So I can't but wonder ...perhaps I should hire a ghost writer. (Now hopefully you guys got it, cause I don't have a lot of those little zingers left).

So why do I/we think it's the end of story. Well for one thing I'm running short of things to write so must be. But then theres the increased issues. Some of you may remember I developed sleep apnea a year ago. Guess what I went one better and now enjoy Narcolepsy. Lord is that one fun. Yesterday morning my wife had the talk with me. Informed me I'd fallen asleep at dinner while taking a bite to eat and planted my face in a plate of spaghetti. She said a bit later I disappeared for half hour. She found me sound asleep on the porcelain throne...I won't mention what my face was planted in...
Broken Heart
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mykidsmom
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by mykidsmom » May 31st, 2019, 5:22 pm

Brilliance.....????? well.....thats a bit of a stretch id pay no attention to that statement....and Narcolepsy? i took my favorite man to the moves a couple of weeks ago........and woke up being poked in the side with himself screaming " ALEXA make nana wake up and stop snoring" and half the theater in hysterics..you all know who alexa is right??...and in case your wondering....i dont snore....when the movie was over i grabbed yer man and ran for the exit as quick as i could before the lights went on....(id forgotten willie was with us too and he was actually asleep and missed the embarrassment...and came galloping after us in a panic.)

But seriously......we all sleep at inappropriate times...its a gift from yer man up there to compound our embarrassments when we get to be 39Plus....feck even our dog when he got to our age did the same....and dont forget your on meds too.....not to mention your oxygen level is iffy....and if your anything like me.....getting a sleep for any more than 2 hrs in a row is a bloomin miracle..you could be nothing else but exhausted...or lazy hehehe...are you still painting?

Chrissie and i had extensive talks about death.......she was amazing and surprised she exceeded the 3 month expiry date....and the saying......its not over till the fat lady sings came up a lot....and it took a longer time than the drs predicted for her fat lady to waddle in.....maybe your running out of words...cos you just couldnt be arsed to use them...or are fed up writing.....i know during my dance with death a year ago....i was more interested in watching what was going on around me....with the people i adore, than writing.....and im a compulsive writer....i didnt have energy to join in most of the conversations either...mostly cos i didnt want to remind them i was here so they could lecture me..........in the end chrissie was sleeping and sleeping....and it was nothing to do with anything else besides the pile of meds she was on for pain relief.....

dont be worried.....a great irish saying is........the devil looks after his own...........so based on this....you and i robo will be around for a while yet.......

chin up....back straight......and remember your the boss of you..

Brilliance?????????? lmao4dx lmao4dx
I think.....Therefore I am.!!!!!

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ROBO Pop
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by ROBO Pop » May 31st, 2019, 5:40 pm

Well, I'm afraid I doin fact have full blown narcolepsy. Still when you think about it, it's great. Next time I have to spend time with my wife's friends that little trick comes out.

My mind seems to be going at light speed with thoughts just banging all around. Of course many of the issues I'm dealing with are common as we age and relatively meaningless, ie nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, I can't delude myself much longer, I mean come on. Dying from CHF just outright sucks.

Anyway so I be wondering, in light of the fact this is new to me:
1. Will I have to be there for the big event
2. Should I take anything or anyone with me
3. What should I wear
4. Should I get a stunt double to stand in for me
5. Is this a one way ticket
6. Do they charge extra for overweight baggage
7. Do they honor American Express
8. Can I get a free upgrade to first class
9. Do I forefit mrmbership here
10. Will I have to face my mother-in-law for eternity
Enquiring minds and all
Broken Heart
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Stella Blue
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by Stella Blue » May 31st, 2019, 8:57 pm

If you have NetFlix, maybe check out "The Good Place," about a woman who ends up in the "good place" rather than the "bad place" because of a clerical error.

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ROBO Pop
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by ROBO Pop » June 1st, 2019, 2:45 pm

Last night was the first decent one in awhile for me. Only awoke a couple times to drain the swamp, and the dogs seemed to appreciate me not stepping on them as I ventured to the oval office.

Many nights I awake choking and gasping for air, I think my lips and finger tips are permanent blue in color and I can chill a drink just by allowing it to flow across my lips. I sleep in a semi-inclined position every night and when I finally give up and get up, I have that annoying hacking cough until the nightly accumulation of sludge releases it's death grip on my throat and lungs and I spew forth that crap providing a short reprieve. Not pretty I agree.

I seem to be exhausted all the time and cannot get motivated to do much of anything. Although I am able to force myself to do my morning chores, I tend to hug the chair or couch after that either dozing on and off or waiting for cocktail hour with my sweetheart. I averaged 2.5 paintings a month until this year, and that's fallen off significantly. Two weeks ago I made myself sit down and start a new painting, vowing that by God I was going to finish one before...well, whatever comes next. It's a painting of the old west, with a drama playing out between a cowboy and indian out in the desert. So I laid in the sky, how hard is that variations of blue, and painted some boulders. So in the past 2 weeks each time I pick up my brushes, I repaint the rocks and make no real progress.

You know, I really wanted to write a novel, a mystery thriller with twists and turns to shock and surprise the reader, but never seemed to get beyond the beginning stage. always seemed to be an excuse. Guys don't procrastinate until you find it's too late, go for the gold ring and live life to your fullest potential.

I guess really when one thinks about it, the worst part of this journey is seeing yourself deteriorate...and not even caring. It really is hard not knowing whether new or worsening problems are just normal aging or that final spiral until you hit the ground in a puff of smoke and flame out. My lovely bride, bless her heart, has been so patient and caring. At times she smothers me with worry and I get annoyed at being babied, but I'd never get through if not for her by my side.

That's another thing, we get grumpier or short tempered as we progress down this path. Now I know that not everyone will experience all of the same issues but hey, pick and choose the symptoms that appeal to you most.
Broken Heart
Nobody has ever survived life, but I'm trying...
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InSync
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by InSync » June 1st, 2019, 5:15 pm

Wow, Robo. I've been thinking along this line a lot lately. I'm not in end stage heart disease and fully expect to go by some malady that I don't know about yet. Time will tell. But lately, I've thought a lot about what I want the rest of my life to look like. We can't control what happens to our body, but there are things in our control. I don't want to leave anything undone or unsaid.


Have you.....or anyone here.....realized that there is something you want to see or do before you go?
Dilated Cardiomyopathy, LBBB, CHF
St. Jude CRT-D 5/12

St. Jude CRT-D 7/19
The beat goes on.....

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mykidsmom
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by mykidsmom » June 2nd, 2019, 9:01 am

im glad you had a relatively good night the other night robo...see....there are good times...and the cup is full rather than empty....unless you really believe in the hereafter you probably dont have to worry about any of those previously asked questions.......do you believe in the hereafter??

to answer your question insync, ive thought about this a lot specially with the various expiry dates ive been handed....and really there isnt...ive no extreme wish to go running across the world and climb Everest....(specially not now with the line ups on it) i dont feel jumping out of planes would be appropriate considering my age, and i never wanted to do a Camino walk..ive thought of writing the book but instead will leave boxes of diarys and notes so someone else can write the book if the need is there im sure theyve more time than me......im happy...every day i have a goal....and if i achieve that...well...i'll have another one to morrow...i always have a bigger goal in mind and if i achieve it well and good..if not i wont be around anyways to bitch over not being able lol.....its easy peasy.....my goal this year is a road trip to south carolina...and on the way back to drop in west Virginia and pick up some Fiesta dishes for my daughters..i could order the blooming dishes online and get them by wednesday but it wouldnt be half as fun as a 2 week drive thro the good old us of a....right? anyways if it doesnt pan out...its not a huge issue they have other dishes and if it comes to it they have divvy up mine hehehe...

so i guess my answer would be NO ....
I think.....Therefore I am.!!!!!

InSync
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by InSync » June 2nd, 2019, 5:52 pm

I hope you'll come see me when you're in SC, Helen!

In 2011, when I was in ICU with nothing to do, family could only visit 5 min, I was too weak to hold a book, didn't expect to leave the hospital alive, blah blah blah, I had a lot of time to think and I thought about the burden of things I was leaving my kids. I have a house on the beach, had a house in Columbia, a couple hours away, both filled with things. I decided that before I became unable to do so, I would sell the house in Columbia and dispose of all the things, maybe the house on the beach too, but definitely get rid of things. For some reason, the three cabinets of Fiesta had to go and I couldn't get rid of it fast enough. I don't miss it, but I still love it. About 2 years ago, I got tired of the summer traffic on the beach and had a tiny house built out on the river to spend summer there. It is 270 sq. ft. It doesn't have much stuff in it. I like that about it.

I've got some financial investments I plan to leave my kids and some for my grandkid. I'm thinking about giving it to them while I'm still alive. I think that's the only thing I haven't done that I want to do.
Dilated Cardiomyopathy, LBBB, CHF
St. Jude CRT-D 5/12

St. Jude CRT-D 7/19
The beat goes on.....

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mykidsmom
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Re: am I dead yet? ...

Post by mykidsmom » June 2nd, 2019, 6:24 pm

oh my god id forgotten you were in south carolina..if the trip pans out we'll be in murrels inlet or closeby...... and i will certainly try arrange a meet with you...we meet up with a bunch of mad irish people so you can imagine lol...

think something like your thoughts must be rolling around in my brain...i never much liked "things" but since last winter ive deffo downsized on what im willing to keep.......the reason i have the fiesta now is thanks to Mr trump hehehe...long story i wont bore you with......my plan is for us to spend as much as we can.....then let the grand kids have the rest...theyre all doing pretty much ok, my kids i mean..but hey education costs a bomb so the grandkiddies will benefit..hopefully for university tuition

omg we have a groundhog looking in the window..
I think.....Therefore I am.!!!!!

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