Smile (Joke)

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Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » October 15th, 2014, 6:38 am

Italian and the tomato garden



An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey,
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
But it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
The old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
The entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Chris

:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » October 19th, 2014, 10:58 pm

Sorry if you don't remember 1955 but I wish we could go back to the good old days.

________________________________________
I think a FEW of you will remember these days!!




1. I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever
since they let Clark Gable get by with saying "DAMN” in
GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has
either "HELL" or "DAMN" in it.

2. I read where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man
on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call "astronauts" preparing for it down in Texas.


3. Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year
just to play ball!? It wouldn't surprise me
if someday they’ll be making more than
the President…

4. I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric;
they're even making electric typewriters now.

5. It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are
having to work to make ends meet.

6. It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.

7. I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.

8. Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
Government.

9. The "Fast Food" restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.

10. There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly
$2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

11. No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital,
it's too rich for my blood.


12. If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.

13. Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

14. If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

15. When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday


16. Cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.



Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

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freckles1880
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Joined: April 18th, 2009, 7:19 pm
Location: Broomfield, Colorado

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by freckles1880 » October 20th, 2014, 7:34 am

I do remember a lot of these. When I was in Basic training in Texas a deposit on a bottle of pop was .02. It was .10 in Alaska.
Gas was .19 a gallon and .35 a gallon in Alaska. I thought of filling pop bottles with gas and shipping them home.

One thing I do know now is Senior Citizens don't mind change as long as everything stays the same!

wavhi
Bob

Medtronic-Visia AF implanted 7-8-2016 stayed with the with 6947 Sprint Quattro Secure lead. Original ICD implant 2-4-2009. ICD turned off 10-6-17 as stage 4 lung cancer taking over.
Major heart attack, carcinogenic shock and quad bypass 10-13-08 post myocardial infarction, old inferior MI complicated by shock and CHF, combined, Atherosclerosis, abdominal aortic Aneurysm, Seroma 7 cm, left leg. Stent in the left main vein 10-7-2014

My "Wardens" are my bride of 54+ years and my daughters.

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » October 24th, 2014, 7:01 am

Pay Attention and heed the warning this portrays.


While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter.. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest wines and champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning,


Today, you voted.."


Vote wisely in November

Chris
:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

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notvaporlocked
Posts: 837
Joined: January 14th, 2008, 10:52 am
Location: Boston Mountains of Oklahoma

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by notvaporlocked » October 26th, 2014, 10:57 pm

-------------------------
Toughest Time of My Life
-------------------------

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis
was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.


From Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
Man Prayer
I'm a man.... But I can change.... If I have to.... I guess.

Red Green Show

Loving with all your heart is the only way to love somebody, Otherwise its not worth all the trouble!
Cary Grant

May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping. (From the movie, Keeping the Faith)

Medtronic Protecta XT (Second ICD), 3 leads (1 unhooked Fidelis) Sept 27, 2006, Feb 12, 2013

3 V-fib therapies. It works, I'm still here.

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » November 4th, 2014, 10:25 am

Good Video... worth watching

Bet your glad your're not driving in Russia



This is why so many people in Russia use dash cams....so they can explain accidents and near misses.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1FzY ... showinfo=0

Chris

:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

Ann Marie
Posts: 549
Joined: November 9th, 2009, 8:55 am
Location: New Jersey

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Ann Marie » November 4th, 2014, 1:52 pm

A very big thank you to all for the good laugh. I really needed that today. :bananas:
If you follow all the rules, you miss all the fun[background=][/background]

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » November 13th, 2014, 11:29 am

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING


ROMANCE


Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Betty asked..
"To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" Please, friends! Tell me this won't happen to us!


Chris
:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

NLP
Posts: 5
Joined: May 15th, 2014, 6:46 pm
Location: Warren, Ohio

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by NLP » November 13th, 2014, 1:51 pm

I'm loving this thread - can't beat a good chuckle!!!

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » December 8th, 2014, 11:14 am

The Parrot with a bad attitude

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried tochange the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary...

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Chris

:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » December 11th, 2014, 5:41 am

Like me, you may be too young to remember those days!

Subject: When I were a lad!!


> I remember the cheese of my childhood,
> And the bread that we cut with a knife,
> When the children helped with the housework,
> And the men went to work, not the wife.

> The cheese never needed a fridge
> And the bread was so crusty and hot,
> The children were seldom unhappy
> And the wife was content with her lot.

> I remember the milk from the bottle,
> With the yummy cream on the top,
> Our dinner came hot from the oven,
> And not from the fridge in the shop.

> The kids were a lot more contented,
> They didn't need money for kicks,
> Just a game with their mates in the road,
> And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

> I remember the shop on the corner,
> Where a pen'orth of sweets was sold.
> Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
> Or is it....I'm just getting old?

> I remember the 'loo' was the lavy
> And the bogey man came in the night,
> It wasn't the least bit funny;
> Going out the back with no light.

> The interesting items we perused
> From the newspapers cut into squares,
> And hung on a peg in the back loo,
> It took little to keep us amused.

> The clothes were boiled in the copper,
> With plenty of rich foamy suds,
> But the ironing seemed never ending,
> As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds’.

> I remember the slap on my backside;
> And the taste of soap if I swore,
> Anorexia and diets weren't heard of;
> And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

> Do you think that bruised our ego?
> Or our initiative, was it destroyed?
> We ate what was put on the table;
> And I think life was better enjoyed.

> But a huge fact not hereto mentioned;
> In this tale of nostalgic rejoice.
> Is the reason we all “enjoyed” our lot;
> Was that we never had a Choice!!


> A. Nonnymuss

:snoball:
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

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TruckerRon
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Location: Provo, UT

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by TruckerRon » December 11th, 2014, 1:49 pm

Chrisg wrote:Like me, you may be too young to remember those days!

Subject: When I were a lad!!


> I remember the cheese of my childhood,
> And the bread that we cut with a knife,
> When the children helped with the housework,
> And the men went to work, not the wife.
The truth is we always had and still have the choice: Blindly react to life or choose how to act in response. Happy people are happy because they've chosen happiness and joy. Me, I'm still working on making that choice each day... and am getting there.
:)
TruckerRon -- Received Minion I on 17 Sep 2009, Minion II on 26 Jan 2015

Non-ischemic cardiomyopathy
Medtronic Viva XT CRT-D
No shocks yet...
My intro is at: http://www.icdsupportgroup.org/board/vi ... 099#p57099

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Colin Pearson
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Joined: August 12th, 2013, 6:25 am
Location: Berkshire England

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Colin Pearson » December 23rd, 2014, 9:13 am

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted:

'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied,

'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and
60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and
the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ##*##**
fault.'

Chrisg
Posts: 645
Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 3:44 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: Smile (Joke)

Post by Chrisg » January 23rd, 2015, 6:54 am

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph


With her face up next to her rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away For a couple seconds...To continue shaving


And when I looked back, she was Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt.

.....And I dropped My electric shaver,


Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.


In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car


Using my knees against The steering wheel,


It knocked My Cell Phone


Away from my ear Which fell Into my coffee which was Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned Big Jim and the Twins.


Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an Important call.


Damn women drivers!

Chris
Idiopathic Ventricular Tachycardia
1st Medtronic ICD Dec 07; 2nd August 09; 3rd on right side Sept, 2011
14 Shock Storm July 09; 5 days induced coma
Sprint Fidelis Lead and ICD Explanted July 09
3 Ventricle Ablations July 2009
Lead Erosion; Leads and ICD Explanted August 2011
Medtronic ICD Re-implanted Right side Sept, 2011
Fractured Lead ; Lead left in and new Medtronic Lead and ICD implanted August 2017
Drugs: Mexiletine .50mg 2 daily; Metoprolol .25mg 2 daily. Omacor

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